Hi my name is Hannah, and while I may be the Grammar Police’s Commanding Officer, I am the latest member to enlist in the Anti-Pronunciation riot squad. When did my membership commence? Last week, when I was in a fine dining restaurant ordering my meal.
“What would you be having this evening, ma’am?” The eloquent waiter asked, notepad at the ready.
“For entre I’d like to order the scallops”.
“Excellent choice, the scah-lleps are very fresh”…. Oh no scallops like dollops, or scallops like gallops… have I been saying it incorrectly my entire life?
“For main I will order the basil crusted beef fillet with potato and shallot salad”
“One bay-zhil fih-lay with potato and shah-luht salad,” He repeated my words as he scribbled down my order…. Come on, ba-zhil, fih-lett and shuh-lot are perfectly acceptable too right?….
“And for my dessert, wow those macaroons sound amazing; what filling do you recommend”
“Yes the mack-arh-rons are very popular here, especially the white chocolate and almond flavour”
….I ain’t got time for this. Bring me my food.
The other day I found myself desperately rummaging through my wardrobe attempting to find some sort of needle in a haystack of ill-fitting garments and obsolete accessories. I HAVE. NOTHING. TO. WEAR. Yes, I decided that amongst all the things I ain’t got time for, I really needed to make time for a wardrobe update. I needed a new style, a new ‘look’. And what better place to start than General Pants, the go-to store for all Sydney trend-setters?
For those of you not from Australia, General Pants is an overpriced clothing store that appeals to three core style groups; indie-identifiers, modern punks, and ‘non-mainstream’ hipsters (ironically, a very lucrative market segment). Whilst it presents itself to be a subversive urban-wear outfitter, in actuality, General Pants can be considered the McDonalds of the retail sector; they can be located in just about every shopping centre you enter. Walking into one of these types of fashion stores is comparable to crossing over into an absurd alternate universe….a universe where all the cool kids appear to be keen on hideous short-sleeved Hawaiian-print shirts… a place where one does not require any optical justification to wear thick-rimmed specs… a world I soon realised that I do not have time for.
Rate your ability with Chopsticks:
1- Does stabbing my food count?
2- I need to use both hands.
3- I can use them, as long as the objects are large and square
4- I can pick up more than 3 grains of rice with them
5- Samurai: soup consumption
If I had to rate my chopstick aptitude, I would probably give myself a big fat 0. The above scale is rendered inapplicable when it comes to me. In other words, I’m that one person at Yum Cha that will deny chopsticks and ask for a fork because I simply ain’t got time for ’em. Continue reading