Help needed: How can I update my brain from Explorer to Firefox?

Upon commencing a new job, my boss attempted to introduce me to their point of sales system. As she seamlessly click-click-clicked away, my thought process went something like this:

I understand, I sooooo got this under control….Hmm alright, maybe it’s harder than I initially thought, but still, it isn’t too difficult. I can get the hang of- wait. What did you click? What screen is this? Please repeat, please repeat….she isn’t gonna repeat.
Oh no.
What. Is. She. Doing.

….annnnnnd I’m out.
*Mental white noise*

As I simply stood frozen beside her, she turned around and asked, “Are you even paying attention? You have this dumbstruck look on your face”. Sometimes I just need to wear a sign that reads, “Mental buffering, one moment please”. It was at this point I realised, my brain is stuck using Internet Explorer while all you intelligent beings seem to have downloaded Chrome or Firefox.

Can I get any slower?

If you exhibit any of the following traits, chances are you too require an update or a system repair:

1) Lagging

Whether I think faster than I can write, speak faster than I can think, or mentally process things at a ridiculously slow pace compared to my peers, my reaction/reflex/thinking speeds are never quite synchronised. For example, I cannot understand The Departed, Inception, or any action movie (especially those featuring Leonardo DiCaprio evidently) without persistent pausing, rewinding and replaying.

So what do I have in common with Internet Explorer? A severe case of incurable lagging. Understanding punchlines is simply not my forté and I will never be declared champion at games like ‘Mastermind’ and ‘Snap’ that require mental agility under pressure. Mental lagging is particularly frustrating, and physically manifests itself as a complete lack of any coordination. Lagging is always a liability, thus no matter how desperate you are, please do not ask me to join your sporting team. Keep all basketballs, tennis balls, baseballs, footballs, cricket balls, hockey pucks and frisbees away from me and my face.

2) Crashing Tabs.

New task to add to the mental ‘to-do’ list? I’ll just open a new – CRASH. Between two intense degrees, a fast-paced office job and a mild social life, I have far too many cognitive tabs open, and they all tend to freeze up on me. Come on brain, please reload; you’ve got far too much to get done. Procrastination looms as I await the inevitable error report to hit my brain, and for my mind to restart.

3) Being stuck on 50% Loaded

“Hey mum, I need to ask you something – wait never mind I forgot”
“Ok now, what did I need to get from my bedroom?”
“Oh yeah, I remember him…what’s his name?”

Whether I start panicking about where I ‘misplaced’ my car keys while I am in fact driving, leaving my shopping behind at the register after paying, or remembering to add the bananas to my banana bread while it is in the oven…Yessir, I’m familiar with being “almost but not quite there”. Friends, family, employers, lecturers: Please be patient, it takes a while for my brain to buffer and load completely before my knowledge stream gets flowing.

Never quite there

4) “Internet Explorer cannot display webpage”

Also known as mental blanks, mind blocks, or brain kerplonks. Symptoms include stuttering, dilated pupils, an absence of blinking, and verbalisations such as “ummmm”, “gahhhh” and “DANG IT WHY WHY WHY.” When driving towards a mental cul-de-sac, one must turn around and find another brain avenue, as you would click ‘back’ and search for another web-link on Internet Explorer that actually works. Cognitive clots tend to arise at the most inconvenient time; contestants on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” should pre-emptively prepare for a brain cloud to rain on their prospects of winning the million.

5) “Not Responding” 

Or control-alt-delete, shut down, and treat yourself to a siesta . Computers are programmed to hibernate in response to extreme pressure situations that are stimulated by a dysfunctional internet, and so are you.

I’m screwed.

6) Self-Support through tough times

You’re struggling away in the Microsoft office as your boss’s bellowing instruction “I WANT THAT RESEARCH PAPER DONE TONIGHT” echoes about within the corners of your mind. A blank Word document ominously sits before you, waiting to be completed. Your brain is operating at an irritatingly slow pace, so you resort to the next best alternative; “I’ll just Google it”. As usual however, Internet Explorer is not responding to any of your orders… and nor is your brain. You feel yourself stumbling around the periphery of failure; it’s only a matter of time before you fall off the edge and plunge into the pit of incompetency. You’re just about to concede to the inevitability of joblessness when without warning; POP – “Hi I’m Clippy, your office assistant”.

Thanks for the support, Clippy.

Yes, if you run off a Microsoft Operating System, chances are you’ve installed your own Mental Clippy. It’s like you have your own inner cheer squad that’s useless at providing any help, but fantastic at telling you that “you have spirit yes you do, you have spirit through and through…. gooooooo HANNAH”. With all the accumulating frustration, moral support is definitely required.

You see, I just want to go on Safari, experience Firefox-like agility, and be as sleek and classy as you all Chromes out there. Help me. Explorer must be aborted and uninstalled, and my system needs a serious update.

5 responses

  1. Dear Hannah,

    With great sorrow, I’ve to inform you that IE is like a whirlpool of… Whatever… Unless you get lucky enough to be able to open the official page of the desired web page on it and successfully download it…

    I’m sorry but all I can do is send the link…


    ROFL :lol:

    Liked by 1 person

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