Things I Ain’t Got Time For: Multitasking

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Multitasking; A fantastic time-saving skill to those who flaunt extreme skill, coordination and organisation. It provides an efficient solution to the web of procrastination that we persistently entwine ourselves in; representing the very means by which our society operates. It makes convenience even more convenient, taking expedience to the extreme. Ironically however, I ain’t got time for it.

Why you may ask? You see, I exhibit a severe case of butterfingers syndrome. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce myself; I am the bull in the china shop. My face frequently hi-fives the floor, my centre of gravity is nonexistent and I find myself constantly tripping over my two left feet.  I am a walking hazard, and when walking hazards attempt to multitask, disaster strikes. When gravity is your enemy, not only will nothing get done, you may wind up defending your negligence before a judge in a courtroom. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

What do gravity and myself have in common? We are very familiar with the floor

The sheer extent of my aversion to multitasking recently surfaced while job hunting, where I realised that I  subconsciously factor in my clumsiness when it came to career choice.

‘Wait-staff required for a fine dining city restaurant.’ Food and crisp white tablecloths? There will be mess. No.

‘Part-time jewellery assistant at Tiffany and Co.’ An abundance of small, intricate rounded beads? They will be dropped, I will trip over them….there will be bruises. No.

‘Fitness Instructor Internship’. There will be damage, and the scale of this damage will be intensified by heavy-duty equipment. Heck no.

You see, I exhibit a two-task limit. To avert any foreseeable risk of scars, stumbles, slips, breakages and damage to myself and others, my duo-duty theory is applied to almost every aspect of my everyday life. Walking and conversing is reasonable.  Spying Facebook while studying is manageable, as is cooking and simultaneously following a recipe. Add another juggling ball or spinning plate to this clown’s repertoire and everything will shatter. I ain’t got time to pick up the inevitable mess that proceeds an attempt at multitasking. No, I do not have the ability to text you while I’m jogging, nor do I wish to expose myself as a living farce.

Juggling: A fine art that us clumsy beings are very familiar with

Our inherent need to multitask is driven by the notion that we as humans ain’t got enough time to begin with. Slow and steady rarely wins the race in such a fast-paced society. On the other hand, exceeding my two-task limit will only serve to prolong the completion of what needs to be done. Do I risk exposing myself as an awkward oaf in to order to keep up with all you gracefully efficient beings? Ha no; I ain’t got time for icepacks or fumbling about with Bandaids. I may not win the race, but at least I cross the finish line bruise-free.

For an awkwardly clumsy human, the very purpose of multitasking as a time-efficient tool is contradicted; doing more than two activities at once will most likely result in:
a) Injury and a ‘WHO PUT THAT THERE’ exclamation.
b) Consequent embarrassment
c) Subsequent frustration
d) Uncompleted work or semi-finished tasks
e) Me embodying a sour, ‘I ain’t got time for this’ attitude.

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